6 posts tagged “musings”

"It's always the same for me,
Break up, break down,
Drink up, fool around,
Meet one guy and then another,
fuck around to forget the one and only..."        

~Two days in Paris

I feel like these entries should all be broken up into two separate ones since the thoughts in them are so dichotomous.

First off, I've been hearing a song that I cannot help enjoy the meaning of no matter who it was written by or why:
It's called Clumsy and as usual with me, it's not the chorus that strikes a cord.

"Can't help it
The girl can't help it"

This made me smile when I heard it the first time and continues to make me smile every time I hear it despite my dislike for the chorus and most of the song itself except for the spoken stanza toward the end starting with

" You know, this isn't the first time this has happened to me..."

The other side of my mental processes right now is still learning about who I've become through college and since.  I'm finally single, very happy about it and learning about who I am on my own.  Completely on my own: the family is at arms length on most things not pertinent to my health, most friends are too far away (physically, mentally, emotionally) to keep in touch with properly even if they wanted to.  This obviously excludes you, dear Lulu, and for that you get a whole separate chunk of me that doesn't seem to have ever changed but is only now being heeded by the rest of me. 

The reason for this post of course is part of this other part of me.  I've finally begun reading.  This is a very strange revelation to come upon and it's not the actual revelation I came up upon but is a product of the other oddities I've encountered. 

When I was in high school, I used to write.  I do not by any means mean that I wrote poetry or anything profound but because it was required, I wrote quite a bit and, until my mind went gaga over a certain someone (not something I regret), I wrote fairly well.  This is actually not what I noticed since it's fairly obvious, what I noticed is that even though I used to write and enjoy it quite a bit when I was tasked with it, it never really blossomed into much of anything outside of required writing.  This is quite a product of the schooling itself; if I'm required to do it and I learn to do it on demand why would it ever occur to me to do it of my own free wish.  No journal or diary writing assignments ever stuck and when I did try on my own, it wasn't very interesting to me except when I decided it was a necessity on my highly compressed trip to Israel and even then the entries become more skeletal than personal after the first three.   I believe when I decided to join Vox and test it out (in my beta-testing obsessed phase which I haven't really grown out of) I decided to write more interesting entries than those I had become accustomed to seeing on LiveJournal and MySpace.  As it has turned out Vox is a magnet for those who have a passion for musings and observational writings than "uh..why won't he call me?" so it is exactly what I was looking for and for about the first two months I was diligent about it and actually enjoyed it.  My attention span quickly waned and moved onto boys and school as expected.  Nevertheless, my life is mostly out of school and boys aren't a focus so I'm back.

So this idea of not writing for myself because I only need to do it for school came from my reading.   I catch myself in this bad habit that was probably created when I was seven or so; I am constantly counting chapters and checking to see how much of the book I've gotten through.  This does not mean that I do not enjoy reading or that this happens with only the crappy books I'm forced to read (or force myself to read).  No, this happens with all books.  I get completely caught up in the story and transform into a fly on the wall to the point where I fall asleep dreaming about potential side paths for the plot but I still force myself to stop at a new chapter or at worst a break in point of view, close the book with a bookmark, and look to see how much is left (or how much I've gotten through).  I know exactly where this habit stems from and why it was never outgrown.  In short, my mother.  I know that's a really easy answer but I only now noticed that no matter how titillating the story is and no matter how much I want to stay up all night reading on in the story, I will continue these bad habits.  I earnestly hope that in some way my subconscious will let go, allow me to enjoy the actual process of reading finally, and let me discontinue this particular habit but I know it takes work and acknowledgment is the first step.   So here goes:

My name is Lina.  I'm ashamed to say that I hate the process of reading.  I have since I was forced to learn to read before I ever cared to.  I love books and the stories in them however, so, I am overcoming my hatred for the sakes of the characters I can't wait to learn more about. 

It's like people-watching to me.  I love to find out what people will do, how they will react to various external stimuli or what internal stimulus sparks various actions.  But it's rude to stare.

For those of you who still read this...
Some thoughts for the day:

Tell a girl she can't have something...she wants it even more!

On another note altogether...what is it that is programmed into the males of the species that makes them see things that aren't there and not take a hint?

I am simply not enough of a bitch to be completely blunt/brutally honest with them.

PS. To my stalker:  This is not about you...

It's funny how things don't turn out the way you think they will.

After working here for so long I came to a conclusion that there aree 3 types of peoples:
1. People that actually have problem with their computer
2. People that think they have problem with their computer but are too stupid to realize they are the  real problem
3. People that know they don't have a problem but they're such attention whores they'll come and whine about bullshit just because they can.

I have had a very weird week since I got back to Gainesville.  Let me start with my immune system is shot and I have had to deal with the stomach flu and some other flu this week. 
The Gators won the BCS National Championship on Monday and I almost missed the whole game because I still hadn't eaten anything by then. 
First week of school went by as quickly as expected but I all of a sudden realize that although I have 2 classes there is a whole lot of work I'm going to have to do this semester.
I had a job interview on Thursday which I barely made it through without sneezing. The drive home was the unraveling of the flu and I had to take a break halfway to nap.  When I got home I passed out and my sleep schedule has not yet readjusted to normal life.  Thankfully I had a 3 day weekend to rest up and get better.
The 3-day weekend unfortunately has a down side, I was a complete hermit the whole 3 days but I did get to observe Shabbat.  On the plus side I got cured with 2 full days of TLC which is always lots of fun.
Anyway...as excited as I am that it's my last semester I'm having mixed feelings about leaving and am considering not leaving quite yet.